How You Think Changes Everything. 6 Questions to Train Your Brain
Improving how we think affects everything else in our lives. The way we think about situations determines how we react to them. It determines how we see ourselves in respect to what's happening. Are we powerless, at the mercy of what happens to us? Or are we as empowered, able to zoom out and choose what happens for us? So I spent some time asking, What's a practical way we can improve how we think? Here are 6 questions to help us train our brain to think better, so we can be better.
Asking these 6 questions will help you think more clearly in situations where you feel stuck:
you are feeling unfulfilled at work;
you are going through a transition in your life: empty nesting, divorce, etc.;
you are in a challenging period in one of your relationships; or
you want to make a big change, but you’re feeling stalled.
The first step is to become aware of how you are currently thinking and how it makes you feel. (This might feel woo or touchy-feely, but your feelings are important; don’t back away from them.)
Question #1: How am I thinking about this?
A. Am I thinking about this in a way that empowers me? Allows me to see the opportunities here?
B. Or am I thinking about this in a way that consumes me (so I can’t think about anything else)? That makes me feel small? Less than? A victim? Or done to?
If A., how you’re thinking serves you and positions you to see things clearly. Good job.
If B., move on to Questions 2-5.
Question #2: What am I making this mean?
One of the reasons we obsess about a thing is because we believe that it means something. Instead of looking at the situation before us as singular, we instinctively seek to answer What does this mean? Or worse, What does this mean about me as a person? Those two questions make us feel under attack. The result? We go into fight or flight mode in our thinking. This is why it’s important to verbalize the story you’re telling yourself about a situation. By verbalizing it, you get it out of your head, where if left unattended will grow into an all-consuming monster that gets in the way of you thinking clearly.
Question #3: What emotions or feelings do I need to acknowledge here?
The way you think is often a direct correlation to how you are (or are not) acknowledging your fears and feelings. Brené Brown, in her book Dare to Lead, writes that we must “either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings, or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.” Suppressed or unacknowledged feelings will have us thinking and acting in ways that don’t align with the people we mean to be.
The tip here is to name what you are feeling out loud (I feel frustrated and unheard), and then take a few deep breaths, so you can let the feeling move through you. Then ask yourself, How might these feelings, if left in the driver’s seat, impact how I’m thinking? Is that what I want?
Assuming the answer to that last question is ‘no,’ you’re ready to shift how you think to a way that serves you.
Question #4: How can I think about this differently?
As easy as it might sound, simply asking yourself this question triggers your brain to look for alternative solutions. That’s exactly what you want. To take this a step (or two) further, I follow this question with two more: Who can help me think about this differently? Who can’t? One of the disadvantages of being wired for connection (good old humanity at work) is that we gravitate towards people who will commiserate with us–even in our misery. But that doesn’t grow us…it’s stifles and stunts us. In those moments, we need to connect with someone who will help us see things from another vantage point. This is why life coaches are invaluable: it’s our job to help our people look at things differently. If you don’t have a person who helps you see things differently, you might want to consider working with a coach.
Question #5: How can I zoom out for a broader perspective?
Put your hand in front of your eyes. Up close, all you can see is your hand. As you zoom out, pulling your hand farther away from your face, you can see your hand in the bigger context. To shift the way you think about things, it’s helpful to zoom out, to ask yourself, what else do I know or need to know here? What other factors might be at play? Again, this is training your brain to not make up stories but to search for useful, factual information. This is particularly helpful when you are trying to think differently about a “difficult” conversation. Your answer to these questions will help you approach the situation with curiosity rather than driven by emotions or the story monster.
Question #6: Where is the opportunity here?
In every situation, there’s an opportunity. By asking this question, you again open your brain to see new possibilities, ones that serve and empower you. When you see new possibilities, you feel less trapped. When you feel less trapped, you operate with a sense of freedom and possibility. Now don’t get me wrong, there are some atrocious situations like abuse and injustice, and some that feel insurmountable like loss of life or loss of relationships like divorce. Changing how we think about those experiences isn’t about negating the pain of the experience, it’s meant to reduce the longevity and the hold that experience has over us.
Training your brain to ask better questions questions is a practice. In the same way you might exercise or train your body, the more you exercise your brain, the quicker and better your brain will be. Asking these questions won’t keep you from having stifling/stuck thoughts, but they will help you get unstuck faster.
This resonate with you? Share it with a friend.
Aisha Crumbine is a life and leadership coach who helps individuals have the clarity, confidence, and courage to live their most unleashed, abundant lives.
As a Certified Dare to Lead™ Facilitator, trained by Brené Brown, she partners with organizations to help their employees make a greater impact by becoming braver leaders.
To learn more about Unleashed Living, Aisha’s personal leadership coaching, click here. For corporate or organizational work, click here.
